I've been reading C.S. Lewis' "A Grief Observed." It is a little book that he wrote after his wife's death. In it, he is very honest with his feelings about grief, death, and God. For me, it has been a breath of fresh air. He lets it all hang out, asks the hard questions, and wonders if there are really answers to them. Maybe the answers won't be what he has always suspected they would be. He struggles with the idea that maybe God isn't so good. After all, when we lose a loved one, everything that made sense on the mountain top, has ceased to make sense in the valley of the shadow of death.
His wife died of cancer. He thinks about all the false hopes they had:
"Not hopes raised merely by our own wishful thinking; hopes encouraged, even forced upon us, by false diagnoses, by X-ray photographs, by strange remissions, by one temporary recovery that might have ranked as a miracle. Step by step we were "led up the garden path." Time after time, when He seemed most gracious, He was really preparing the next torture."Isn't that an incredible statement? I'm amazed that I could agree with it at all, but something in me, actually does understand what he means. I don't believe He is actually "torturing" us, but in the depths of our sorrows and pains of life, we certainly can feel that way and wonder why its all necessary. Another point C.S. Lewis makes has to do with wondering about God putting us through so much pain, disappointment, trial, suffering, that he can scarcely believe there is something better waiting for us on the "other side." If God can let so many bad things happen on earth, why not just continue the trend once our earthly life is over?
Oh, he raises some questions I'd rather not think about. I don't like wallowing in the negative and thinking the worst. I see in his book about grief the desire to really be honest with our fears. Looking your worst fear in the eye, dealing with it head-on, and either giving in to it, or getting over it. I do not believe God is punishing me or preparing tortores for me. As a result of Adam's sin, we can expect trials, pain and suffering in this life. The Bible is clear that Heaven is nothing like this. I can expect hardship on earth, but if my faith and trust are in Christ, I can expect the unparalleled joy of an eternal life with Him in the glorious Heaven He has prepared for those who love Him. If there was not the faintest chance of this hope, I would want to end it all now.
The only place I have been able to find any hope has been in the Word of God. My Bible has been on my nightstand since my mother died. Every morning, I go to its pages for solace and comfort before I ever step foot out of my bed. Without the encouragement and truth of the Living Word, I would not be able to get out of bed and go on with life. At times, I tell myself to "get over it." Its time to move on. I remember that I haven't lost a spouse or a child, which in my mind is far worse than losing a parent. Though I will always miss my mother's companionship and friendship, I have not lost everything. Tomorrow, it will have been 2 months since she left us. Two very long, very short, months. Is it time let go of some of the grief after a mere two months have past? Or should I hang on to it for another two? Who can say?
Death is a part of life. In some way, all of us will partake of it... a bitter cup we all must drink from. There are as many ways of dealing with it as there are people in the world. When we embark on this tearful journey, may we find that the Lord is near. He is compassionate and knows our griefs.
For that, I will rejoice.
Marla
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