July 20, 2005

My heart is full – nearly bursting with the joy of a secret that has been revealed. I have been blessed by God in a way that I do not deserve. But how thankful I am for His kindness!

Yesterday, my family and I gathered in a tiny dark room with an ultrasound machine and its highly skilled technician. This amazing woman pointed out the details of our dear baby’s forming body – she showed us the lungs, the kidneys, the chambers of the heart, the stomach, the brain, the face, the spine, the legs, arms and feet. She was able to determine that it weighs about 12 oz now, and it is in a head down position. Everything seems to be working properly and is the right size for its age.


Before we went in, I asked the boys if they thought it was a boy or girl. ~N~ said a girl, ~D~ said a boy, Daddy said a girl, and I said a boy. I had heard the statistic that says if you already have two children of the same sex, there is an 80% chance you will have another of that same sex. In my heart, I really wanted a girl, but my mind told me to be realistic and expect a boy.

I was very comfortable with the idea of another boy, since I know what to expect of little boys now. A girl, on the other hand, is a bit of a mystery to me, and actually scares me a little. Especially since I would not have the insight and wisdom of my mother to help me through. Because she is not here, a part of me definitely does not want to have a girl. Because she is not here, a part of me definitely DOES want a girl! I want to experience the mother-daughter relationship with my own daughter, and with my mother gone, this desire has deepened. It has become something I want so bad, that if God did not give me a girl, I would feel He was cheating me out of something I needed. I would feel like He didn’t care, almost that He was taking pleasure in not giving me something that I really wanted.

If my mother were here, I suppose I would be experiencing none of these feelings, anyway not to this degree. No matter the sex of the baby, I knew I would be joyful and happy with what God had given us. But we all have desires of the heart, and God will either give us those desires, or we’ll come around to His way of thinking and realize (maybe eventually) that He was right all along.

I’m pleased to announce that we are having a girl! Just knowing this makes me somehow feel closer to my mother. I am filled with awe at the responsibility that will fall on my shoulders, to teach her and train her in the way of the Lord. I am also saddened that my mother will not be here to know her, and that my daughter will not know her. It seems like a long life to live, knowing that your mother is not here to participate in it.

“I remember thinking I’d never be like you when I had kids, but my little girl and I are just like you! She’s stuck to me as you said I was stuck to you. So often I wish you were here so that I could ask you, “What was I like then?” or “What did you do when….?” Instead, I rely on others, and myself, learning as I go. But I know you’re watching my little girl and me, and I’m glad.”
~ A Mother’s Touch, pg. 129

Rejoice,
For His love endures Forever!

Marla