Asking the Hard Questions

Did you see Saturn last night?? I did!! Over the weekend, it was possible to see Saturn, Venus, and Mercury, all clustered together in a tiny triangle in the sky. I didn't find out about this until yesterday though, so we saw Mercury and Venus so close together that they appeared to be one huge shining star, with little tiny Saturn to the left. Very cool. I would like to learn more about astronomy, but I find it hard to identify constellations, other than the obvious Big Dipper and the North Star!!

I've been reading C.S. Lewis' "A Grief Observed." It is a little book that he wrote after his wife's death. In it, he is very honest with his feelings about grief, death, and God. For me, it has been a breath of fresh air. He lets it all hang out, asks the hard questions, and wonders if there are really answers to them. Maybe the answers won't be what he has always suspected they would be. He struggles with the idea that maybe God isn't so good. After all, when we lose a loved one, everything that made sense on the mountain top, has ceased to make sense in the valley of the shadow of death.

His wife died of cancer. He thinks about all the false hopes they had:

"Not hopes raised merely by our own wishful thinking; hopes encouraged, even forced upon us, by false diagnoses, by X-ray photographs, by strange remissions, by one temporary recovery that might have ranked as a miracle. Step by step we were "led up the garden path." Time after time, when He seemed most gracious, He was really preparing the next torture."

Isn't that an incredible statement? I'm amazed that I could agree with it at all, but something in me, actually does understand what he means. I don't believe He is actually "torturing" us, but in the depths of our sorrows and pains of life, we certainly can feel that way and wonder why its all necessary. Another point C.S. Lewis makes has to do with wondering about God putting us through so much pain, disappointment, trial, suffering, that he can scarcely believe there is something better waiting for us on the "other side." If God can let so many bad things happen on earth, why not just continue the trend once our earthly life is over?

Oh, he raises some questions I'd rather not think about. I don't like wallowing in the negative and thinking the worst. I see in his book about grief the desire to really be honest with our fears. Looking your worst fear in the eye, dealing with it head-on, and either giving in to it, or getting over it. I do not believe God is punishing me or preparing tortores for me. As a result of Adam's sin, we can expect trials, pain and suffering in this life. The Bible is clear that Heaven is nothing like this. I can expect hardship on earth, but if my faith and trust are in Christ, I can expect the unparalleled joy of an eternal life with Him in the glorious Heaven He has prepared for those who love Him. If there was not the faintest chance of this hope, I would want to end it all now.

The only place I have been able to find any hope has been in the Word of God. My Bible has been on my nightstand since my mother died. Every morning, I go to its pages for solace and comfort before I ever step foot out of my bed. Without the encouragement and truth of the Living Word, I would not be able to get out of bed and go on with life. At times, I tell myself to "get over it." Its time to move on. I remember that I haven't lost a spouse or a child, which in my mind is far worse than losing a parent. Though I will always miss my mother's companionship and friendship, I have not lost everything. Tomorrow, it will have been 2 months since she left us. Two very long, very short, months. Is it time let go of some of the grief after a mere two months have past? Or should I hang on to it for another two? Who can say?

Death is a part of life. In some way, all of us will partake of it... a bitter cup we all must drink from. There are as many ways of dealing with it as there are people in the world. When we embark on this tearful journey, may we find that the Lord is near. He is compassionate and knows our griefs.

For that, I will rejoice.
Marla

I look up at the sky and think differently about what I see there. Now, I think of Heaven when I look up. I wonder if mother is watching me in some way. Does she talk to God about me? Does she tell Him the things that are on her heart and mind? Does she go up to Him and rest in His arms? Is she really and truly happy and healthy? Does she miss me like I miss her?

When I see gray haired ladies, walking slowly through our church with their canes, next to their gray haired husbands, I wonder why my mother couldn’t have lived to grow old with her husband. I wonder why she couldn’t be here to see her grandchildren grow up, get married and have children of their own.

When I look through my recipe box, my thoughts turn to mother. She made my recipe box with plastic canvas and yarn. Then she wrote out favorite family recipes and gave them to me when I got married. Her neat and orderly handwriting speaks to me of a woman who loved to cook for her family, who delighted in trying new recipes, and who also had her share of “flops.”

I cannot even to bear to think about Christmas. She loved Christmas. It was a time when she could count on all of her family being together. She decorated her tree with a passion I could never muster up for my own. She stuffed the bare spots of a real tree with garland and lights and when she was done you would think she had found the most perfect live tree on the lot. All of the traditions that belong to our family at Christmas time were her ideas. We were just doing what she said to do, when we were supposed to do it, and loving all of it.

Her voice is still on the answering machine at her house. Whenever I call and my dad isn’t home, I hear my mother’s voice. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I hang up because I don’t want to hear it. Sometimes I listen and yearn for her to really answer the phone so we can chat.

Grief is a process… and the only way out of it, is through.

Marla

Thoughts about Mothers and Grief

Is yours the night of bereavement? Is it not often at such a time that God draws near, and assures the mourner that the Lord has need of the departed loved one, and called "the eager, earnest spirit to stand in the bright throng of the invisible, liberated, radiant, active, intent on some high mission;" and as the thought enters, is there not the beginning of a song?
~Streams in the Desert, June 7



In all nature, there is no beauty to compare with the beauty of a mother's love.



The problem with death is absence.



An individual doesn't get cancer, a family does.
~ Terry Tempest Williams


Weeping may last for the night, but a shout of joy comes in the morning.
~ Psalm 30:5


Only those who have sorrowed know how tender is the "Man of Sorrows."



All mothers are quintessential: In pain and joy they are always with us,
encouraging,
instructing,
loving.

~Peter Megargee Brown

I miss thee, my Mother!
Thy image is still
the deepest impressed on my heart.
- Eliza Cook

Arthur Brisbane pictured a crowd of grieving caterpillars carrying a dead cocoon to its final resting place. The poor, distressed caterpillars were weeping and heart-broken. But all the while the lovely butterfly fluttered happily over their heads!

Going On

I don't feel like writing paragraphs today. Instead, I'll use a list format....

1. The boys and I recently picked strawberries at a plantation near where we live. I made some strawberry jam with the berries.

2. The boys took the IOWA Achievement Test last week. Virginia law requires them to take a standardized test and send the results to our local school district.

3. I am still eating 3 crackers every morning before I get out of bed. While I munch on crackers, I read my Bible. I am also reading the devotional "Streams in the Desert" and a book that helps those who are grieving, "Healing After Loss." Just for fun, I picked up "The Indentured Heart", by Gilbert Morris, from the library. It is third in the House of Winslow series.

4. We took the boys to Washington D.C. on Saturday. They enjoyed seeing the Lincoln Memorial, the Washington Monument, the Capitol, and the Air and Space Museum.

5. ~N~ began baseball practice. Its fun watching him learn a new sport and enjoy it.

6. It has been a month since my mother died. It feels like I just talked to her yesterday. It also feels like I haven't talked to her in months. I miss her so much that my heart hurts.


Emily Dickinson wrote:

This is the Hour of Lead-
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons recollect the Snow-
First-Chill-the Stupor-then the letting go-

I feel that way. My step is heavy. There is a heaviness in my whole body. Its hard to think.

I must remember there will be a new time, and a new day. The pain of grief does not last forever, though it feels that it will never leave me alone.

For everything there is a season....
Marla